The Rat

I don't claim to be a tough guy or superhero, despite my constant joking claims that I am, in fact, Batman. However, there are few things that truly frighten or scare me.  Bugs, thrill seeking sports, heights, snakes...even commitment, I can handle.  Rats are one of the only things that really makes my spine tingle and palms sweat.

If you have ever read Orwell's 1984, you might recall a scene where the main character is led to a torture room, "Room 101," where he is made to confess to a crime he did not commit.  The torturers know everything about the character, including his worst fear: rats. When I read this scene I immediately realized that I shared the same "Room 101" with the character.  When I read further about how the torturers strapped a cage to his face so that the rats could nibble at his vital bits freely, I came forever to the anti-torture side of the torture debate. 

I needed to give you that insight before plunging into my latest and perhaps most terrifying story since being in country.

One very dark night...its always very dark for stories like these...I was happily enjoying my evening in bed under mosquito netting.  I was reading a book with my headlamp on and my wife laying next to me doing the same. Since I have an old-man-bladder, I had to pee about twenty minutes after I had gotten into bed.  This is a terrible hassle for me after it takes about ten minutes to get into bed, cooled off and cozy.  It never fails that once I am all tucked in and ready to fall asleep to the caccophany of frogs croaking and dogs barking outside I develop the urge to pee.  Now, getting out of bed here is not exactly the same as when I am at my home in the US...there I just throw the covers off, step onto the knowingly bug-free, plush carpeted floor, and stroll through my air conditioned home to my bathroom (which has indoor plumbing and toilet paper).  Nothing about this scenario matches with its Cambodian counterpart.  

First, I must quickly untuck a portion of the mosquito netting from under the mattress in order to exhume myself from the bed.  I am careful to tuck in the net once outside to avoid a chiding from my wife about letting disease-laced bugs come into the lone sanctuary of our bug-free bed.  I am sure to grab a flashlight as it is pitch dark and my bathroom has no running water, so I must be able to see what I am doing to pour water down the drain to ""flush."

On this particular evening, I grabbed my flashlight on my way out of the bedroom and turned it on before opening the door to our larger living area which I needed to cross in order to get to the bathroom.  When I opened the door I heard a distinct scuffling from where we typically store our books and some snacks by the front door.  I  whipped my flashlight around thinking it was one of the larger, but albeit harmless, geckos that live in our house.  Instead, my eyes focused on the distinct image of a medium sized rat who was now frozen from the beam of my flashlight.  I freaked the hell out.

I walked back into the bedroom to tell my wife, who I knew would identitfy with my current level of fear - after all this is the same woman (who loves me, remind you) that would grab the stuffed animal rats at Ikea and pretend that they were scurring up my back to ban vanquish this beast for me.

Her response was less than comforting, "Oh my god - really?!  I am really freaked out right now. What are you going to do?"

In retrospect, I see the humor.  In the moment, I felt like my fellow soldiers had just left me behind enemy lines.

After the initial fear that encircled me when Kate told me that she was staying put behind the mosquito-net-forcefield, I took a deep breath, hiked my boxer briefs up in a show of pride and responded to her, "I'm going to kill the bastard."

(*Note, my words may have been different, and I can't fully remember the seaquence of events, what is important to remember is that I definately did NOT cry, and I certainly did NOT urinate on myself.)

I located a sturdy weapon with which to vanquish my toothy-long-tailed-foe: an electrified raquet we use to bug-zap mosquitos.  I was pretty sure the voltage was not strong enough to kill a rat of this size, but I hoped that the raquet itself would do as a bludgeon.  To paint the picture: I was in my boxer briefs, croutched in an army-like position holding a flashlight in one hand and the electrified raquet in the other.  I also had my headlamp on for added visibility and coolness. By this time, fear and the stiffiling heat meant that I was a sweatty mess and literally dripping, but God did I feel alive...

The rat had entrenched him or herself under the day bed in our main room and that was where I decided to fight my first battle of the evening.  I lunged at the beast, ensuring to shine my light on his face to stun it like before, but the creature was ready for me and narrowly escaped my first salvo.  It ran along the walls of the room for cover, me running after it and alternating between highly intimidating and inapporpiate swears and noises that a four-year-old girl with pigtails might make if she were to scrape her knee. 

The beast finally ran behind my Peace Corps issued trunk - a fatally-flawed move- and I reacted with the instincts of a cat and the speed of a ninja.  Shoving the trunk againt the wall, I pinned the beast in what should have been his deathbed.  As I drew nearer to crush him between the wall and the trunk, the brute jumped over the chest and ran straight into our bedroom, under our bed.  The clever beast had outwitted me in a brillant showing of strategy and cunning that Sun T'zu could scarcely have avoided. 

I should also mention at this point that my trusty sidearm had failed me - when I went to strike at it, the handle of the raquet broke from the rest of it and skittered away out of reach.  I realized that I may have to settle for a draw on the evening and began rooting out the beast from its new encampment - I was urged on by my steadfast wife yelling encouraging slogans and words of praise, "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD - IT CAME IN HERE!!  GET. IT. OUT. CHRIS-GETITOUT!!!" (Those of you who know my wife know that I cleaned up that dialogue a bit - I wanted to keep this a PG blog posting).

I had him on the run again and saw him run 'round behind me - he was trying to flank me yet again - only this time I was ready and I had arranged the furniture to funnel him out of our bedroom and back into the main room.  It was there that I lost him, presumably he fled, realizing the equal in his foe and the inevitable stalemate that would ultimately ensue. 

Plans are currently underway to trap and destroy the beast - I have become consumed with hatred and revenge for his atrocities and am considering the use of weapons of mass destruction.  Stay tuned...